Ways
to get rid of Relatives
- Make sure that
you are always remodeling during the holidays,
and insist that your house is unsuitable for company
- Insist that the
Dead Pigeon (or the Greenbriar, for those of you
local degenerates) is a five star hotel
- Be certain that
everytime it's your turn to cook, you burn the
turkey enough to gross evryone out, but not enough
that it becomes inedible--the number of those
who show up will diminish exponentially
- Hot-wire your
doorbell--tell 'em you do it to get your hands
warm when you come in
- Move to a new
state every Thanksgiving and "keep unpacking"
through Christmas--come home when it blows over
- By the same token,
just fake your own death, spend a few months on
a Carribean island, and tell them you went South
for the winter because of your arthritis
- Ask each person
to bring the one thing you know he/she can't cook
- Distributer caps
are always good--get a neighbor of the offending
relative to mail it to you [it helps if you can
convince the same neighbor not to give them a
ride to the auto shop]
- Insist that your
dog always sleeps in that bed and there's nothing
you can do to make him move
- Remind all of
them that their respective mother-in-laws are
invited this year
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