Light
bulb
Q:
How many Californians does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support,
and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many
Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four
more to chase off the Californians who have come
up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight
to protest the nuclear power plant that generates
the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many
New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many
WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one
to mix the martinis.
Q: How many
Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really
WANT to change.
A': None; the bulb will change itself when
it is ready.
Q: How many
software people does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole
building will probably fall down.
A'': Two. One always leaves in the middle
of the project.
Q: How many
hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray
the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many
FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the
dark.
A': 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound
it in (etc)
Note: FSE's are ``Field Service Engineers.''
Q': How long
will it take?
A': That's indeterminate. It depends on how
many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
Q'': What
if you have two dead bulbs?
A'': They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many
Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual,
anyway.
Q: How many
APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.
Q: How many
Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer
available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary
only).
A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who
tries to change it usually drops it, and the others
call for a planning session.
A'': Three. One to get the bulb and two to
get the phone number of one of their subordinates
to actually change it.
Q: How many
graduate students does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five
years for him to get it done.
Q: How many
`Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the
dark.
A': None of your damn business!
Q: How many
`Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty
of real men around to do it.
Q: How many
Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None. (``That's all right...I'll just
sit here in the dark...'')
Q: How many
mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting
them into the light bulb.
Q: How many
Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops
in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many
WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb,
they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many
Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds
of its own revolution.
Q: How many
(Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and
1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where
they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many
Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last
as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many
nuclear engineers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and
six to figure out what to do with the old one for
the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many
pre-med students does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four
to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many
Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many
Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit
and pray for the old one to go back on.
Q: How many
Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to
hear the confession.
Q: How many
jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light
bulbs.
Q: How many
Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q': How many
'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's ``Radcliffe Women'' and it's not
funny!
Q: How many
supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light
bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many
economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one
to change the bulb.
A': None. If the government would just leave
it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many
Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with
a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many
data base people does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make
sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb
at the same time.
Q: How many
straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many
Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not
to change it.
A'': One to change and one not to change
is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to
change the bulb.
A''':None. Zen masters carry their own light.
Q: How many
Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many
folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to
write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many
surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the
other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored
machine tools.
Q: How many
gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload
of light bulbs!
Q: How many
doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist,
one to find a bulb installation specialist, and
one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: What is
the difference between a pregnant woman and a light
bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many
[IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document
number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent
Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages
state only, ``This page intentionally left blank,''
and 20% of the definitions are of the form ``A <...>
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated
by blanks.''
A': Just one, provided there's an engineer
around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many
Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned
as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many
gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other
to say ``Fabulous.''
Q: How many
professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports
out of it.
Q: How many
people from New Jersey does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one
to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many
Turks does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate
the ladder.
Q: How many
strong does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate
the house.
Q: How many
gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other
to rotate the planet.
Q: How many
people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a
cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary
James Watt in 1983
Q: How many
Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many
lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A': It only takes one to change your bulb...to
his.
A'': Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're
looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
Q: How many
football players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's
credit for it!
Q: How many
Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk
about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many
thought police does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None. There never was any light bulb.
Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb
joke of 1984.
Q: how many
cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't
find the dolls even if you knew how many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining
cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many
Federal employees does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the
budget!
Q: How many
psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ---- You should have hit ``n!''
Q: How many
``pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify
that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q: How many
sorority sisters does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty
to sing about the bulb being changed.
Q: How many
frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other
two to help him down off the keg.
A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four
to guzzle beer until the room spins.
A'': None. Frat boys screw in puddles of
vomit.
Q: How many
Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits
for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many
bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible
is being done while the other screws the bulb into
the water faucet.
A': 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to
do the paperwork.
Q: How many
board meetings does it take to get a light bulb
changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's
discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution
of some action items. It will be continued next
week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many
assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.
Q: How many
Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. ``Oh, excuse me, could you
please test the socket with your finger while I
go get a new bulb?''
Q: How many
brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular
bulb.
Q: How many
WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call
Daddy.
Q: How many
accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many
dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile big
enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
Notes: Ugh!
Q: How many
junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
Q: How many
consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from
Monday.
Q: How many
U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and
the remaining 49 to guard him .
Q: How many
Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and
150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning:
do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.
They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though
it is not bad for a LBJ.)
Q: How many
editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to
replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many
Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000
Q: How many
efficiency experts does it take to replace a light
bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only
dark bulbs.
Q: How many
Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
Q: How many
actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the
spotlight.
Q: How many
Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many
anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many
TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to
say ``Sock it to Me.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket.
Also, the phrase was from Laugh In.)
Q: Do you
know how many musicians it takes to change a light
bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and
I'll fake it.
A': Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to
turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
Q: How many
mystery writers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way
in and the other to give it a surprising twist at
the end.
Q: How many
bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb,
and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many
Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its
nature it will go out again.
Q: How many
running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and
one to control the means of production!
Q: How many
referral agents does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and
the other to send you to a store where they ran
out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many
existentialists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe
how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent
beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of
endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin
cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many
dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.
Q: How many
big black monoliths does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary
dead end.
Q: How many
light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many
dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: How many
mathematicians does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A': One. He gives it to six Californians,
thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A'': One. He gives it to five Oregonians,
thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A''': In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
Q: How many
mathematicians does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians,
thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician
can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and
if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1
mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive
integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ,
1986
Q: How many
consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the
feasibility study.
Q: How many
Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark
don't need light bulbs.
Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster
of 1984.
Q: How many
poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one
to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many
stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop
it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes
(knowing that it's already burned out).
A': It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW!
Q: How many
aides does it take to change President Reagan's
light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many
magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it
into.
Q: How many
missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince
everyone else to change light bulbs too.
Q: How many
teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ``Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?''
Q: How many
surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: 3. We'd also like to remove the socket
as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many
conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight
on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many
libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Libertarians never change light bulbs,
because someone might enter the room who wants to
sit in the dark.
Q: How many
Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
Q: How many
nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.
Q: How many
televangelists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None. Televangelists screw in motels.
Q: How many
presidential candidates does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Fewer and fewer all the time.
Q: How many
believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job''
presidential candidates does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't
it?
|
