If
Operating Systems Were Beers...
DOS
Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires
you to read the directions carefully before opening
the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but
now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided
into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be
accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although
a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after
it's no longer available.
Mac
Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes
in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light"
beer. All the cans look identical. When you take
one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients
list is not on the can. If you call to ask about
the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need
to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag
your empties to the trashcan.
Windows
3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can
that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that
you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows
you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but
in reality you can only drink a few of them, very
slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently
no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when
you open it.
OS/2
Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several
DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows
3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower.
Advertises that its cans won't explode when you
open them, even if you shake them up. You never
really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9
million six-packs have been sold.
Windows
95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested
it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot
like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows
3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you
look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in
them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows
3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer
and say they like it. The ingredients list, when
you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new
brew.
Windows
NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by
the truckload. This causes most people to have to
go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks
just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises
to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's
- after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted
as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested
only for use in bars.
Unix
Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging
from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display
fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that
all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to
open them, so you have to have your own can opener
around for those occasions, in which case you either
need a complete set of instructions or a friend
who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS
Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their
recipe has been picked up by some weird German company,
so now this beer will be an import. This beer never
really sold very well because the original manufacturer
didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS
Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group.
It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes
in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally
introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but
the design hasn't changed much over the years, so
it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim
that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS
Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping
the top and sipping. However cans have been known
on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like
contents. Best drunk in high pressure development
environments. When you call the manufacturer for
the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary
and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals
published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once
listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer,
but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
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